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24 June 2010
On buying razor blades in the Midlands
I am on my travels again, back to that armpit of England known as the West Midlands. I arrived on Monday, spent Tuesday in meetings and then the evening in a pub getting very, very drunk. It really is the only way to survive this part of the world.

Finding myself out of razor blades I went in into the local Morrison's and asked for a pack of safety blades. I am pleased to report that the bloke that I spoke to was a typical Brummie fucktard who had no idea what safety blades were - he just waved vaguely in the direction of the razors. I spoke to a manager who sort of knew what I wanted and he explained that they don't sell them because they are dangerous. Your friendly old Exile replied that they are called safety blades because they are very safe inside a razor, and were a great step-up from the old open razor that the very old men used when I was a boy, but I was wasting my time.

Next week is Leicester: aren't I a lucky old soul?
22 June 2010
Farewell to Gimlet Kamm
Gimlet Kamm has a valedictory post up, basically saying goodbye to most of his readers before the Times goes behind its new pay wall. Being the nicest of all bloggers, I left a comment saying that in the days when the Independent had its wall people would download the latest Robert Fisk piece and repost it around the web. I went on to posit that this was unlikely to happen with anything that Gimlet wrote so it was time to say goodbye. I did mention that I would miss him since whenever I got stuck for a story a trip over to his blog always gave me an easy posting and a cheap laugh. I knew that the short-arsed little fucktard wouldn't let the comment through, but I also knew that he would at least read it, and that was all that mattered.

Later on that evening, just after Anthea my spunk-hungry little sex slave had finished deep throating me, but before she had time to remove her middle finger from my bum, a ping told me that a mail had arrived at my computer. I swear by the air that I breath, the beer that I drink and the pussy that I fuck that it was from Gimlet. This is what he wrote:
Thank you for posting your latest comment to my blog. I'm afraid that none is ever published as your racism and praise for the BNP violate this newspaper's guidelines. OK
What can I say? I have never praised the BNP, and I will drink beer with any man and shag any woman of whatever hue, dusky or otherwise. Even if that were not the case so long as I keep within the Time's guidelines for my postings they should be acceptable. Luckily I have kept all my comments to Gimlet's blog so I may take this up with the press complaints' council.

What do I reckon? I reckon that the short-arsed little fucktard got angry and he couldn't resist banging out a mail to me. Truly, I shall miss the little wazzock when he is not around. In the meantime it only remains for me to say:

Game! Set! Match!

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James Dinsdale was also shafting Anastasia Beaumont-Bott
Just when you thought that the Caroline Nokes and James Dinsdale sex scandal couldn't get any more entertaining, up comes a new development to prove you wrong. Step forward the magnificently named Anastasia Beaumont-Bott, another of Jim's former squeezes who just happens to be a lesbian. Well she is now and claims that it was getting shafted by Jim that flipped her onto the other side.

The problem that Anastasia has is that she dumped the Tories and is now a Nu-Labour hackette, which means that she is fair game to the Tory wolves. Readers of this blog will be interested to learn that our Stacy enjoys late night steamy chats on MSM and recordings of the chats are available according to at least one Tory source.

The message being put out is quite simple: keep your fat gob shut, Stace, or we release the lot.

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21 June 2010
Caroline Nokes sex video
Caroline Nokes - that's her on the left flashing the old stocking top upskirt for your pervy pleasure - is at the centre of a new row when it emerged yesterday that she is Britain's latest porn star. To be fair she only found out about it as she was about to leave the hotel where she had been industriously engaged in shining up the knob of her 27-year old lover, James Dinsdale. The camera that had been fixed to the ceiling fell onto the bed and the brainless bitch then called the police who promptly leaked the story to the press. The video has not got into the public domain yet, but it is only a matter of time before it does, so stay tuned for that. Dinsdale was asked if he knew anything about the camera and replied "no comment."

You really couldn't make this shit up, could you?

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18 June 2010
Weekending: hilarious Suzi Perry upskirt video
Someone went to a lot of trouble to create this Suzi Perry upskirt video for your pervy pleasure. Just click on the photo and you will see what I mean.

Don't forget that we have the Suzi Perry Royal Ascot upskirt video as well!

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17 June 2010
Will Louise Bagshawe provide the next Tory sex scandal?
Following on from the Caroline Nokes affair, who will be the next bit of Tory talent to provide us with another sex scandal to laugh over? The favourite must be Louise "Barker" Bagshawe, to be the next to take the field as Slapper of the House.

Barker got the nickname at Oxford due to her insistence on taking it doggy-style and by all accounts she was the university's bike back in the day. She married and went all Papist and self-righteous but newly divorced she might just revert back to type and start wrapping her legs around all and sundry. She will obviously have to get a move on as she will be 39 later on this month, and all that cellulite and saggy bits that women get quite early on tends to put a lot of men off their stride.

This blog has its money of Barker to be up next as the Commons' slapper.

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15 June 2010
Was Caroline Nokes set up by James Dinsdale?
Who tipped off the Daily Mirror to the fact that Caroline Nokes and James Dinsdale were about to meet in a hotel? Tory Bear thinks that it was Dinsdale himself, and as evidence he points to the fact that the Mirror knew about the assignation, which hotel it was due to take place in and even in which room the couple were staying. The Exile is curious to know just how the paper got the news about the text that Caroline sent to Jimmy from the Commons' chamber - the one that said she was bored with the debate? All this information can really only have come from one or the other of the two participants.

The Tory Bear also considers Jimmy's one line press statement which read: "I can confirm Caroline Nokes and I have had a sexual relationship. I have no further comment," as further evidence of Jimmy's complicity in the deed. What kind of man would say that about his lover? Any normal man would want to protect her from the coming storm, but Jimmy seems to have thrown the woman that he has just had sex with to the wolves.

Why he did it is anyone's guess. One internet rumour has it that Caroline is getting a bit long in the tooth and is no longer the sexy MILF that she was when they met four years ago. Now, fat and pushing 40, she is a bit of an embarrassment to a bright young Tory like Jimmy, so it is time to not only get shut, but to make a few bob from the papers by doing it.

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14 June 2010
Caroline Nokes polishes Tory toyboy's knob
Is David Cameron jinxed? He phones the England team in South Africa to wish them well and sales of Rob Green shirts go through the fucking roof - in Scotland at any rate. During the election campaign he praised 37 year old Caroline Nokes as a hardworking local woman and it turns out that her hard work involves polishing her toyboy's knob at public expense. That's right, this slapper is the first of the new parliamentary intake to be embroiled in a combined sex and financial scandal.

The sex part came to light when Caroline texted her lover, Tory Councillor James Dinsdale (27) that she was bored with a Commons' debate -we at Team Exile get the feeling that Caroline has a bra size larger than her IQ - and the two made plans to meet up at the four star Kensington Close Hotel later that evening.

She arrived at 11.20pm and Jimmy showed up ten minutes later ludicrously wearing a hooded top to be let into the room by Caroline who had smile of anticipation on her lips. Jimmy left two hours later, presumably having first emptied his balls, and Caroline spent the night alone leaving the hotel at about 8.30am in a taxi.

Caroline Nokes and her lover James Dinsdale.

Taxpayers who are chortling over this lascivious tale will be interested to learn that they forked out for the hotel bill. Caroline Nokes chose a hotel with a tariff of £129.25 which is 75p inside the limit for parliamentarians who spend a night away from home. Still chortling, are you?

Where will the curse of Cameron strike next, we are forced to ask?

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12 June 2010
Social work insolence: help Colin Scott
Goodbye weekend as Chris Hawkins of the Child & Parent Alliance writes in to say that Colin Scott of Swindon saw his handicapped child kidnapped by the social work industry on Wednesday. His crime was to complain about the actions of the industry and involve the C&PA in the matter. Thus he was seen as defying the industry and such behaviour can never be tolerated. As an act of revenge the industry went and got an interim protection order that allowed them to seize the child.

Please write to the family's MP, Rob Buckland, and urge him to take the matter up with the Children's Minister. His e-mail address is robbuckl@globalnet.co.uk

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11 June 2010
Ready for the world cup?


Are you all set for the opening match in the 2010 world cup? Funnily enough there are more England flags being flown from houses than there were Labour posters displayed during the recent elections - not the case back in the day when every house had its poster, but that was when the party spoke for us. Now at least we have the footie, so pour the beer down the neck and cheer on the lads.

Today's game involves Mexico and my adopted countrymen have a far healthier attitude to bastard work than their English counterparts. Even thought the game kicks off at 9.00am Mexico time the whole country will be glued to their TV sets, the beer will flow and bastard work is something that the average man will not think about until tomorrow.

As the South African team walks onto the pitch the roar will go up: ¡Viva Mexico, hijos de la chingada!
10 June 2010
Americans kill 14 year old Mexican
A 14 year old Mexican boy has been shot dead by American border patrol officers who seem to have opened fire into Mexico from their side of the border. Quite what happened to cause the shooting is still unclear, and will probably end up with both countries reaching different conclusions. What is clear is that seventeen Mexicans have been either killed or wounded form shots fired by American officials from their side of the border this year. In 2009 that figure stood at twelve and in 2008 five. So something is happening on the border to make the Americans trigger happy.

The death of a boy raises the stakes considerably and leads this writer to conclude that many more people will be killed and wounded in the months to come. The northern border is a violent place at the best of times and now any number of thuggish young men with guns in their pockets and time on their hands are going to think about taking revenge for this young fellow's death.

Given that the Americans seem to have already turned their goon squads loose, we can expect the border to become even wilder than it already is as both sides shoot it out.

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09 June 2010
Why do mobile phones have an adult lock?
So this old contact from the porn trade gives me a ring and tells me that he has shot some video of a tasty bird pleasuring herself with a monster dildo and would I like a look? Of course I would so he sent me the link to downland the epic to my mobile and that is where the fun began. Mobile phones come with an adult lock as standard and the punter has to call the company to get it removed.

I spoke to a fairly typical call centre Indian who sounded just like the late Peter Sellers taking the piss and explained that I was wanted the lock removed as I had a video waiting that might be worth a wank. He farted around that long that I began to lose interest, but it did give me time to think about these adult locks and their utility.

The point is that they are a waste of time because they only work when you are downloading something from a known porno site, not getting something that is being passed around from phone to phone. Since kids tend not to have credit cards that are needed to gain access to pay sites, they get their wank materials from their friends - so what's the point of the adult lock on mobile telephones?

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08 June 2010
The Sexism Exam
SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hours.
Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your friends. Include in your answer:

a) Why they kick the ball like idiots and are scared to mess up their hair.

b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat girls are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

or

Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in real life.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films:

a) White Water Shafting
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.


Section B (50%)

1. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Discuss the philosophical implications of this question: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"
04 June 2010
Weekending: the Dutchy Dress

The Guardian's Marina Hyde seems to have got the idea for her piece from Kickette who ran all these stories ages ago. Unlike Kickette, Marina doesn't like the Dutchy Dress but it captured the hearts of these Mexican fans when some Dutch girls wore it for a match. The Guardian view is that you need to be titted out like Sylvie van der Vaart to wear it, but actually you just need to be a reasonably fit bit of talent and not a dog rough Guardian reading slapper.

See you next week folks!

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03 June 2010
Final thoughts on the Mediterranean Massacre
The Mediterranean Massacre is one of those gifts that just keeps on giving for anti-imperialists everywhere. Over the past 24 hours three factors have come into play that should help to make our grins even wider:

The first is that Egypt has been forced to open its Sinai crossing point into Gaza. Obviously this has been done under domestic pressure but what it means is that supplies can get into the territory. How long that will last is unclear, but the situation at the moment is that the blockade has been broken.

Secondly, the Turks have involved NATO in the affair, which has opened a can of worms that the Americans desperately want to close. As Craig Murray points out, is NATO just an arm of American foreign policy or is it an alliance of equals? If the latter is the case then Turkey has been attacked and should be able to call on NATO support. The fact that the Americans will veto that tends to point to the conclusion that NATO is just a tool of Washington. According to Murray, that is what the Europeans in NATO are now saying to each other. The possibility that in the long term we may be able to get the fucking Americans out of Europe has moved marginally closer thanks to Israel's actions.

Finally, slowly but surely public opinion is moving in the direction of sanctions being applied to that shitty little country. It won't happen this year or even next, but it will come sooner or later. The politicians will concede it just as they did over South Africa once the pressure grows.

So, in the short term we have the breaking of the blockade and in the long term the possibility that the transatlantic alliance may come to an end as Europe moves in one direction over Israel and the USA goes in the other.

This looks like win-win to your friendly old Exile.
02 June 2010
One explanation for the Mediterranean Massacre

Do you like the new version of the Israeli flag that is going the rounds?

Looking back on this PR disaster for imperialism's outpost in Arabia, friends of the nasty little shithole responsible need to be considering such factors as patience, concentration and precision. These are all skills that your friendly old Exile uses when shaving his balls, so why can't the fucking Israelis uses the same talents to take over a ship without creating enough corpses to fill a cemetery?

Could it be that they are so used to massacring Arabs and then covering their crimes up that they thought that they could get away with it?
01 June 2010
The long term consequences of Israel's Mediterranean Massacre
Israel had one friend in the Muslim world and that was Turkey, but not any more after yesterday's Mediterranean massacre that saw the Israeli forces butcher at least 19 crew members of a humanitarian taskforce bound for Gaza. Especially with at least six of the dead being Turks, the country is leading the demands for sanctions to be applied against Israel.

It won't happen of course, not yet at any rate. However, sooner rather than later the ambassadors will start to be withdrawn from that rancid little shithole that squats like a deformed and poisonous dwarf between the River Jordan and the Mediterranean Sea. Sanctions will be piecemeal at first but public pressure will increase for them to be tightened, just as they were against South Africa. The nooses will tighten around the Europeans' necks and many will start to leave for pastures new. Eventually the Arabs will see their chance and put an end to this interloper once and for all.

The world will carry on turning, just as it did after the end of French Algeria and British Rhodesia. Nobody will give a shit as another fruit is plucked from imperialism's tree.