11 December 2005
It is best to buy your turkey in about May or June. Look for one that is already fattening up nicely and take him home and start feeding him up some more.
The problem that you have is that turkeys are pretty thick, so make sure that he doesn't go out in the rain. If he does then he will look up at the sky and drown himself with the raindrops that fall into his open gob. Could I make this up? No, I could not, so do as I advise and keep your turkey out of the fucking rain.
Come December and it is time for your turkey to make the ultimate sacrifice. I usually get the beastie used to taking nibbles from a log end. That way, on the last day of his life, he will be happily chomping on the corn that has been thrown down and will not even notice the bloody big hand ax that is desending on his helpless neck. One good whack should do it, although your turkey may run around a bit after his head has been amputated. Don't worry about this as he will soon fall over.
Throw a rope over the bough of a tree and attach one end to the turkey's feet. Then haul him up so that you can removed all the feathers. You have to do this as they taste horrible. This will take you about an hour. Once it has been done, lower the bird and make a slit in his belly so that you can get his insides and last meal out.
Your bird can now be handed over the the females of your family who will stuff the cavity with minced beef, pork and other goodies. They will take forever to do this as long periods of time will be taken up with inane female prattle.
Alas, this year's bird will be bought from the bloke down the street who raises turkeys. I forgot to buy back in the early summer.